My Heartbeat

I kept on writing and deleting this post. I am so inspired pouring down my thoughts into writing, but then so scared to post it and have it read by others when it comes to describing the rhythm of my heart. Maybe it was just as scared I am to beat the feeling of letting go of the freedom I had for 26 years!

Then I started to diagnose myself as having this self-claimed "fear of being broken". Everything was perfectly fine when I found myself enjoying every bit of my freedom to go to places, eat whatever I want to, sleep late without anybody to scold me, getting home late, dress to please myself and not anybody else. This freedom of mine has been "ok" and I am getting used to it. However, I just wonder sometimes why do people have to make pressures and questions me if I ever had asked myself to make a twist for a while. Like, "how's my heart doing? has it ever felt lonely?"

The symptoms then began to fury when I, myself has started to ask too. Do I really need someone to be happy? I have been contented with my life for several years. True, I haven't been to serious commitments, but I have fallen inlove too and got broken. Some people believe that maybe I was just too idealistic or picky when it comes to the Mr. Right they were talking about. But I believe I was never been. Yes, I don't play with other people's hearts, maybe I was just prudent. I wanna look before I leap. And think before I love.

I have been guarding my heart for some time. As I've said, I want that day to come when that someone would found me, I could tell him how much I have taken are of my heart to be reserved only for him.

Some people may be so skeptic. Like Damn, "that is way too old school. why try a lot of boys til you find the right one. And hello, it's almost 2012?"

And here I am saying, "So what?"

Symptoms started developing more when I had talked to someone who was younger than me. He told me, "when you find that someone who's meant for you, he could be so lucky to have you, seriously!". Coming from a person who was way younger than me, I don't know but suddenly, realizations came rushing on my mind. Did I drive my life right? Do I have regrets to look back and wished it was never that way?

But then again, I believe that in this liberated world, there will always be an exemption. And counting myself in is something that I ought not regret doing. It took me a while to regain my balance as I was bombarded with questions. I am having this fever of confusion. I believe my remedy is out there. I just have to wait for him to find me. (And I bet, they're just too right. Coz I believe he is so LUCKY!) ^_^